


you can see that I'm blind for you

by michellejones



Series: in love and in the dark [2]
Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, F/M, Healing, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 13:10:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11532918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/michellejones/pseuds/michellejones
Summary: he misses her, even in his own dreams. | sequel to your cry baby





	you can see that I'm blind for you

**Author's Note:**

> i'm back lol. dedicated to mashi and rama

_Can your heart be mine, in search?_

_* *_

Peter wakes in a cold room, his mind and body no longer his own.

He still has trouble breathing. Moving is impossible. So he tries not to breathe, and he tries not to move, as he closes his eyes and pretends that he never woke up.

*

Ned appears by his side, and Tony, once he leaves.

He feels a gentle hand on his arm, and his skin aches. _Stings._

He doesn't look at Mr. Stark. He doesn't even open his eyes. But he still wants to cry.

He just doesn't.

Tony doesn't attempt to move. His hand rests on his bandaged body, a heavy reminder — warm and rough and solid.

Peter tries not to flinch away from him.

* *

He was supposed to die. He knows that.

But his body didn't give up on him. And he can't stop himself from thinking about it.

The guilt is overwhelming. His body is such a cage.

_(He almost wishes it would let him go.)_

* *

He's never felt like this before. . . like he isn't really inside of his body.

His head isn't in the clouds, but he feels like he's watching himself from above. And he hates how he talks. He hates how he tells everyone he's fine. And he wants to look away. It's so painful.

He sees himself watch Michelle, turning away when she doesn't look back. Something like desperation is crawling on his skin, and it's visible.

He looks like he's hiding himself.

He hasn't felt himself smile in weeks. But then again, he hasn't really felt much. So he's not sure.

And he supposes he's not sure of anything at all.

*

His limbs are heavy, and there's a soreness in his body that tells him he's not truly awake.

* *

He dreams about it sometimes. The pain of being crushed. His head in her lap. Him crying; not being able to stop, or even breathe.

He begs himself to wake up.

He hears himself say I love you, and he falls until he's sobbing in his own bed, arms tucked around his knees. And he supposes he's awake, even though it feels like a nightmare.

He holds himself and keeps his eyes open until he sees the sun rise.

He keeps himself safe.

* *

It's 3 AM.

His phone rings, but he doesn't answer. He can't move.

The throbbing comes and goes, and he knows it's her.

* *

She calls for him.

“Peter,” she says gently. And she reaches for him, like she's going to hold him.

She's right before his eyes, looking at him like she's afraid to come any closer; as if she were searching for something, or someone she knows.

He pretends he can't hear her. And he might as well be seeing right through her.

He closes his eyes as if he were still a little boy in his hospital bed, and counts her steps as she walks away.

* *

“You have to know how she feels about you, kid.”

There's a moment where he's confused and trying to understand what Mr. Stark is saying, but the tightness in Peter's chest grows quickly past his comfort level, and he gives up on it.

“I really don't,” he says. And he closes his eyes again, ignoring the unbearable sensation burning behind them.

Mr. Stark keeps talking. “Peter. You didn't see what I saw. How she was when she thought you were going to die. How she was looking at you. If you did, you would know.”

“Maybe words matter more,” he replies flatly.

“And _maybe_ ,” Mr. Stark says, “you should try a little harder to remember who your friends are.”

*

Peter wonders if MJ is really his friend.

He thinks about it for a long time. And for a moment, he even allows himself to feel like she might miss him.

* *

He challenges himself to keep his eyes open, even when it gets hard.

It burns. And he feels like he might break down at any moment.

His hands are balled tightly into fists, as if that'll keep him alive.

But the look on MJ's face when he meets her eyes hits him deep in his gut, like what a laugh must've felt like on the best day of his life, when he was free. And he can't stop thinking it's worth it.

*

He misses her, even in his own dreams.

* *

They're talking again, even though it'll never be quite the same.

Sometimes she looks at him like she can't believe it — like she can't believe he's even there.

*

They're sitting on his bed in the dark, and her head falls into his lap.

It feels heartbreakingly familiar, but he knows it's different.

“Peter.” She says his name like it's the most important thing. It sounds like it's hurting her. “You'll never know how grateful I am.”

She turns slightly so she's hugging him, her arms all the way around his waist, and suddenly, her tears are falling onto his skin.

His arms are frozen by his side. He's so afraid to touch her. And he's shaking.

But then his fingers are bunched up in her shirt, and all he can do is pull her closer.

— all he can think is, _I love you, I love you, I love you_.

* *

She peels back his mask, and she kisses him.

It's Friday, on his bunkbed, in the dark. Her hands are on his face, and then they're in his hair.

In what feels like another lifetime, suddenly the feeling in his chest is nothing like fear.

And he keeps falling.

 

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and reviews feed me and pay my bills. also there was a typo i'm gonna die sorry


End file.
